Back to school......and why you can handle anything!

As always the summer has been and gone in a flash!  Lots of lazy days, good times (some rough days too) & memories under our belts and all of a sudden we are in September.  And that means for many of us the return to school - and for some of us the start of a school journey for our children.  With September brings Autumn and so many changes too.



I won't lie, I've really been trying not to think about it too much.  No-one wants to wish away the lazy days and we've all settled nicely in to a new routine at home now, which is led by slowness.  It's been nice not feeling exhausted and frazzled by dinnertime!  But school is starting this week here so it's time to get my head in the right place and get myself used to it all again.

Our middle one starts next week too!  She's just a bit older than 4.5 and seems to be looking forward to it.  Again, I've been trying not to focus on it too much or make too big a deal of it; I'm well aware that our vibes rub off on them and now that we've made the choice to send our children to school she needs positivity and excitement about it from me.  This time is very different because I already have one there and she's very familiar with the whole process of going to school.  I have no idea what to expect or whether she's going to settle well but there's a difference in me this time; I know that whatever happens I can handle it.

And this is something I want to teach my children: resilience.

I wasn't so clued up the first time for the emotions you feel as a parent.  My heart wasn't in traditional schooling so I needed a lot of convincing.  I was dreading sending him and even put off getting uniform until the very last minute.  I had wanted to home educate but it wasn't our path and so I took a chance with the school I picked and thankfully things have worked out.  But I found those first couple of weeks so incredibly hard, wondering how he was coping and being only just 4 years old he felt so little.

He struggled with settling in to school and couldn't cope with being separated from me.  I had never left him crying at preschool and didn't want to start at school.  There was even a morning that I couldn't leave him so took him home against the teacher's advice. I was lucky that I could work with his teacher and we managed to get him in to a good routine and in no time he was absolutely fine and enjoying school.  It was such a relief! And by about 2 weeks in it got easier for me to come to terms with the fact he was now at school.  I tried to focus on some positives:

• We had time in the morning together
• The school day is relatively short and passes quickly when you are busy
• We had time after school together and I would try to get anything I needed to done in the daytime
• School didn't have to be forever; if it didn't work out there were other options

It got easier.

But the following year wasn't so easy.  Our 3rd child was born the first week back at school and I don't think it helped him settling back in very much.  The negotiations didn't work this time and he just didn't want to go in at all.  Nothing was wrong at school; I just wasn't there.  Which was heart breaking.  My head was still asking 'Should we home school him if he's this unhappy?'  After many traumatic mornings it got to the point where I had to ask the school for help.  We worked out a way to get him in (his teaching assistant would come and meet him every morning) and within a day or 2 things were back to 'normal'.

Some kids need some extra support.

You know your child the best.  Which also means you know what they need.  It felt like mine was the only one struggling to go in which may have been true or may not.  But it was the story I invented in my head and it didn't much help to be honest!  With that came feelings of guilt and questions over my parenting and asking myself what had I done wrong?  I can look back now and say he's an anxious child and it was no surprise he was going to take a little longer to settle in to somewhere strange and trust people that weren't me.  And I can also say that he didn't want to separate not because of the bad job I'd done but because of the secure relationship I had created for us.



Don't be afraid to ask for help if you or your child struggles.  It's nothing to be ashamed of and you don't need to deal with it all on your own like I tried to.  The school is there to support you as a parent and your needs as well.  You are important too!  It's completely normal to be sad or scared that your child is off to school.  It feels like a huge leap that they are too little to take.  Surely they were only just born? My best advice is to take one day at a time.  Try not to presume what is going to happen or overthink it.  Know that whatever happens you can deal with it.  Building on that strength and confidence from within will help throughout your life and resilience is a great skill to pass on to your child too.  More on that in another blog post ;-)

Gemma x

Finding balance in your day and why you matter too!

I've had so many points along my parenting journey where I've thought that I just can't take it any more!  Sounds dramatic doesn't it?  Days where I've felt lonely and frustrated or like I'm everyone's skivvy in this house!  Times where in that moment I felt completely physically and mentally drained and can't remember who I am other than 'Mum' and 'Wife'.  I refer to Motherhood because that's been my path but you can liken this to any situation where you are giving your absolute all and forgetting about the importance of YOU somewhere in the middle of it all.



Our business - The Seashack - started as a result of me having my first child and Mum coming away from her stressful teaching job.  We both wanted to work around our other interests and commitments and wanted to take back that balance.  And I realised that it was important I had something for ME.

     

I love being at home to look after the children and I feel lucky that I can fit our work around this.  When you put everything in to perspective my experience of becoming a Mum really is amazing. I used to feel guilty on tough days, that I wasn't appreciating or enjoying the chance to be at home with the kids when many parents would love to be. I saw myself as ungrateful and tried to stop feeling that way. But I've learnt over time that no situation is ever ideal.  Any struggle is a real struggle and shouldn't be compared to what's going on in other people's lives.  And I don't think any of us women need yet another thing to be feeling guilty about! There's absolutely nothing wrong with finding the situation you're in, hard work.

On a challenging day - and sometimes in general - finding that balance and putting yourself first at all can be impossible.  We lead busy lives and we feel restricted and tied to things sometimes that we'd rather not be doing.  But I believe in all our days there are small ways we can make time to remember ourselves and look after who we are. Here's my best tips:

• Make sure that you eat and drink.  It's something - particularly drinking enough water - that is so easy to do yet makes such a big difference.  Yet somehow I'm always too busy answering someone's requests or focusing my time on something else or 'just finishing' something first.  I find that my mood drops hugely when I'm not eating regularly and because kids shout the loudest, they always get to eat first!  I'm putting in to practice some meal planning here while I'll share on another blog.  I believe being organised and spending time preparing food in advance is probably the way to go.  Take some time today to look at where you could make any changes; are you eating regularly enough?  Do you need to prepare healthy things to snack on-the-go?  Could you batch make some meals to freeze such as soup or any of your favourites?
• Focus on the positives.  Try to notice the moments that are actually yours.  Ok they may appear mundane - such as driving or unloading the dishwasher.  But your arms are free and you are free to take a deep breath or think.  Sometimes it's not always about finding an hour to sip a tea and read a magazine (although that is definitely one to fit in!), but it's about looking for the other times of the day where you weren't feeling completely overwhelmed by other stuff/people.
• Be realistic to avoid frustrations.  For example I'm sitting here now trying to write this while the kids play but it is unrealistic (knowing my children) for me to think I'll be able to write it all while they just do their own thing.  By presuming that, when they interrupt me or it's clear I can't carry on, I'll then feel resentful of the fact I've not managed to have 'any time for me'.  But by expecting that I'll only be able to do a little bit, when they interrupt me (which they are just about to - I can hear tears), I can feel grateful that I've got as far as I have in the time I've got.  The mindset is completely different and actually something to apply in many other areas of life too.
• Finish that tea!  We've all been there...you've made yourself a tea and then you've been distracted or pulled away from a situation by someone else.  Depending on what is happening obviously you may have to walk away from your tea and attend to it.  But this is where boundaries come in and saying 'no'.  It's very easy to get distracted and move on to the next thing and forget that the tea you made represented a break for you or a moment of self care.  If you can, put that moment first and continue with the next thing after you've finished this first one!
• Give yourself space.  And if you have children give them the opportunity to have space too.  Having time to breathe - and even to be bored (ha - I wish!) - is really important.  Cramming stuff in, back to back, gives little time to think about your needs.
• Learn to say no - this also connects with much of the above.  It's not selfish to make the decision that you aren't going to do something.  Sometimes it's for the 'greater good' (i.e. you can see a disaster happening if whatever this is goes ahead!) and sometimes it's just because it isn't good for YOU.  By respecting your own needs you also show others how to respect you too.
• Grounding. This one might appear a bit 'woo' to some of you but I hope not.  A personal favourite for me is to, in those moments of overwhelm and 'there is no time for me', keep myself grounded.  Mum taught me years ago how to ground myself.  I know I need grounding when my head is all over the place, I'm starting to feel like I'm panicking or overwhelmed and almost a bit floaty.  It's hard to describe it but I imagine I'm a tree and I've got roots running through my feet in to the ground.  It really does work and brings me back 'down', and to a position where I can then deal with everything again.

I hope some of these ideas might help you as well as me!

Gemma xx

What's wrong with weird?!

Wow, bedtimes with your child can be amazing can't they? My biggest one might not gaze in to my eyes much anymore (or at all in fact!) but it sure is a privilege watching him grow. It's not always the best time of the day in our house, juggling the different needs of 3 children under 6yrs old! Bedtime can be crazy...very loud...and just like you're banging your head against a brick wall! I'm sure you've been there too!

But he uses it as a time to open up and talk. Which I love! Tonight he's read his whole school book, virtually with no help. When he started school in September 2014 he was only 4 years & 6 weeks & couldn't read at all. Wow, he has come a long way! I loved the chats & the raspberry-blowing silliness & the eventual drifting off. What a great way to start my Saturday evening. So very grateful.

Today when we were out he had taken his trilby-type hat. He went to get out the car and said "No, I can't wear this, people will think it's weird!". He's not even 6 yet! To be honest he's never been the type to worry what others think. So I confidently said, "Erm... what's wrong with weird? It's good to be different, right? And what would it matter what anyone thinks? It's up to you but it looks really good."

He smiled and said "Ok then"! And he wore that hat around the store, well at least until he got bored and it was dumped in the buggy!

This stuff is important to me - to raise kids that have our backing to do anything or be anything they want to do in life. I hope he can find the confidence to not be scared to be creative or to stand out.