The path to being seen and heard can be a long and winding road.

‘Children should be seen and not heard’….. As a child of the 1950s and 60s this view, although even then considered out dated, was still prevalent.  I certainly felt that in schools which, for me, were a fearful place to be in.   I certainly did not want to speak out and did my best to be as invisible as possible.  In that way I could protect myself and avoid trouble.

I would be the last to put up my hand in class to answer a question for fear of getting it wrong – teachers were quite aggressive and sarcastic in those days – adept at humiliation. Powerful strategies for silencing children.

There was a constant pressure to ‘be good’.  Monday to Friday in school and on Sunday there was Sunday school.  A huge amount of conditioning goes into a Christian upbringing – parental expectations were high and moral education handed over to religion. You definitely weren’t expected to express opinions, that would be frowned upon. There were many authority figures to challenge you.

The continual reinforcement of outdated attitudes and beliefs, going back generations.
Being quiet and good was expected for a girl. ‘Sugar and spice and all things nice’ – yes well, a lot to live up to. Not a lot was expected of girls in the 50s and early 60s.

The attitudes of not speaking up and being invisible do impact me still today.  I have spent the last couple of decades actively dealing with the fall out of these defensive practices and trying to push myself forward to speak up and be visible.   I have made significant inroads through countless personal and spiritual development courses and energetic healing practices but the programming is deep and sometimes persists.

The resistance that shows up from past conditioning is challenging but not impossible to overcome.
The fact that in my 40s I trained as a teacher and spent around 15 years teaching is testimony to that.
Although for most of those 15 years I felt a fraud.  I felt an imposter, I didn’t know enough, on paper my degree and teacher training showed me I was well qualified but I didn’t feel it and used every negative experience in the classroom to reinforce that attitude. It was only during my final year of teaching that I stopped comparing myself with everyone else and made peace with the fact that I had something useful to contribute to my students’ experience and that was good enough.

When I look at why I’ve continued to subdue my voice, and fear stepping forward and being known, there are several strands of thinking in the mix.

I’m afraid of getting it wrong.

As a child I did experience feeling silly, embarrassed, humiliated when at times I did get things wrong, particularly at school. Miscommunication or a child’s lack of understanding about a task – not tolerated so well years ago.  Thankfully (hopefully) today the education system is a little more tolerant. The same feelings will still show up as an adult – not all the time – but the fear hovers in the background.

If I get it wrong, the adult me knows it’s not the end of the world – but the inner child part of me fears feeling an idiot, fears rejection, fears she won’t be liked.  For her it is the end of the world and will she be brave enough to take the risk and speak up?   Speaking up means she’ll be noticed. She’ll become visible.

If I get something wrong, I’ll lose credibility and respect.  That was a big one for me as a teacher and it took a good few years for me to relax in the classroom enough to know that ‘not knowing’ was a great opportunity for whole class research to find the answer.  I taught psychology – how ABSURD to expect myself to know EVERYTHING about psychology?!

Letting the world know what I think means I’ll be judged and potentially criticised.  I might annoy or anger someone who may not be afraid of speaking out so it feels like an unsafe space to put myself in, so best stay quiet.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even me.  We all see the world through our own perceptions and experiences – why would be all think the same?

Learning to trust myself to be able to deal with the fallout and to feel confident to stand my ground if necessary – is an ongoing lesson.

As a child I learned to wait for others to speak first so I could judge what a right opinion or attitude might be.  I may not have been in alignment with their opinion but I could choose to agree so I didn’t stand out or I could simply say nothing.

My assumption was that others knew better.   Something I fall back into all too easily.
Perhaps it is not surprising I learned to be a listener instead of a speaker.

I am getting there, however, I am gradually releasing those invisible chains and am determined to open up to a bolder voice.   This comes from a deep place of knowing.   An authentic space of openness and vulnerability, of love and connection to express what is in my heart and to truly serve the best way I can.  For this to happen, I need to be visible.  People need to know where to find me – I cannot stay hidden in the shadows without a voice.

‘Children should be seen and not heard’…..it seems I neither wanted to be seen nor heard!  But we are not victims of our childhood, we can use our memories to inspire us to move forward. The journey home has been a long, winding road but, finally, I now have the key to the door.

Shirley x

Just be yourself

I love this quote and wanted to share this with you today.    I wish I’d seen inspiring words like this when I was a bit younger.  I spent many years wondering why I felt different from everyone else – it didn’t feel as though I could fit in anywhere.  I stifled who I knew in my heart I was in an effort to fit in with others’ expectations of me.   In essence, I became a smaller version of who I could be.

It’s taken a long time but I now know and appreciate the fact I’m not mainstream – I make no apologies for that.  I have all kinds of perhaps unusual (to some) interests and I follow these with curiosity and passion.  Yes, I love to hug trees - the vibrant energy emanating from trees is something to be experienced,  it's very grounding and I love it.  I love to make sense of my world, and receive guidance,  by meditating and journaling.   I love to both give and receive energy healing and I'm fascinated with all things metaphysical and other worldly.   I love to holiday alone on remote Scottish islands where I spend all my time walking, beach combing  and connecting with nature.

I’ve finally given myself permission to live in a way that is authentic to what I know in my heart to be true and what feels right for me.

As I age, an inescapable fact for those of us fortunate enough to do so, who I believe myself to be changes as I naturally grow and evolve – as we all do.  I overheard a conversation on the radio as I was driving yesterday, which prompted this blog, where an older lady was saying how she had things in her wardrobe she didn’t feel she ‘should’ wear for fear of being labelled as ‘mutton dressed as lamb’.   This was a real dilemma for her.

Mutton dressed as lamb is a really old phrase dating back to the 19^th century – but surprisingly still prevalent in our cultural thinking, and certainly alive in the media – showing the longevity and impact phrases can have in the way we choose to live our lives.    In this case those invisible rules around how an older woman should look or the way she ‘should’ conduct herself.

Naturally that got me thinking about how I show up in life and how much unconscious conditioning I may be responding to in my choices about what I wear, where I shop and even how I look.  Indeed, who is driving my bus?!  What invisible rules am I responding to in the choices I make about what to wear, how to style my hair and how to act as a 61 year old.

I'm fully aware that the thinking around what you should or shouldn't wear can happen at a much younger age too - particularly as we take on roles in life such as mother or even a young grandmother.  This can influence our perception around who we think we are - or worse still, we lose sight of the real 'us' as we become more identified with the roles we play.

The question is,  am I making heart centered choices that are authentically mine or am I being influenced by societal expectations?   Food for thought. I was a bit of a rebel in my younger days and now I find I am returning to that mindset.

Give yourself permission to listen to your heart, to just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical, person that you are.

This applies to all of us – we are all affected by the modern day memes floating about on social media.  All that noise is more than capable of drowning out the whispers from our heart.
So are you proud of who you are?  Are you being yourself?  Who’s voice are you listening to when you make decisions about your life?

Remember, it's time to be proud of who you are and give yourself permission to be wholeheartedly you.

Shirley x

Talking yourself out of it!

I read recently that our brains have something like a 5 second pause when we think of something good we'd like to do, before we try to talk ourselves out of it!  That would make a lot of sense to me because I can definitely relate to feeling really excited about an idea and then suddenly thinking of a hundred doubts around it.  You can find out more here on Mel Robbins' Facebook page.

How many of us are sitting and waiting for the 'right' time to do something we would love to do?  I make enough excuses about my busy day.  And it IS busy...often there isn't much give or take to be able to look after me.  Mostly because I take on a lot of things. I'm interested in everything and I like to get involved in as much as I can, even when I should probably often be saying no.  It's all about balance; sometimes the things you love that keep you busy are also a way of reconnecting with yourself and can have so much value too.

However busy you are, take a moment to consider what it is that you need to do to give yourself this balance and how and why are you putting this off?  One of my favourite phrases is 'Start where you are'.



It can feel scary but sometimes this is the very best thing you can do!  If you read Mum's blog post from last week you'll know we're both all too familiar with fear and doubt.  But for me, most of the time I'm putting things off is about perfectionist thinking (& there's also an element of focus and organisation!).  When you just get on and start something - even if it's not exactly perfect as you'd want it - it's liberating and you'll feel so proud of yourself.  This goes for anything in your life too - the washing, that phone call, thinking about that gift for someone.  And this (over)thinking takes up so much brain power!  What are you putting off?  What do you need to be brave with today?

Gemma xx

Self doubt and fear - the enemy within?

I wrote a blog the other day, and at first the writing flowed – a theme close to my heart – words coming to me as I wrote, job done.  Or so you’d think…………

Of course once the words were committed to paper and I began to read what I’d written, doubt started to creep in.

What am I writing this for?
Is there any point?
Will it make any sense?
Is it too weird?
Is this the right theme to write about?
It’s probably been said by lots of others and in a better way.
I’m wasting my time, it’s rubbish
I really don’t want anyone to read this anyway
I can’t write (sigh)
Why did I start this?
What's the point of anything?!

Yes well, can you see where all this is going?!  It’s a downward spiral into a deep pit of despair….and a sense of failure……..self worth plummets.............

Do you do this too?

What if I said this thinking is all made up?

It’s just thought  - wonky thinking I don’t need to take seriously.

We have thousands of thoughts every day and we have no control over what comes in. Some we pay attention to and others drift by unnoticed. Well I was paying a little too much attention to my thoughts on this occasion and made up a story about being afraid to let people read what I’d written and experiencing doubt that I could write at all and what a waste of time expressing myself was.
ALL. MADE. UP.

False Evidence Appearing Real.

Yes, it felt scary for a while there! (And it will happen again and again)


Thankfully once I could see what a negative experience I was creating for myself, (took a while!),  I laughed at my innocence, at falling for this colossal lie and remembered, like everyone else, I’m human and simply forgot that we all take our thoughts seriously from time to time and it’s time for us to give ourselves a break and not spend so much time and energy in believing each and every one of them.

Self doubt and fear are natural emotions we experience particularly when we go outside of our comfort zone.  For me, this is expressing myself openly and not hiding away (my preferred option!).  Now, I'm moving into a position of 'feel the fear and do it anyway' (to coin a well worn phrase!) taking my thinking less seriously and moving forward anyway to areas I am drawn to, simply to see what happens.

I don't see self doubt and fear as the enemy, perhaps more of a misguided friend who thinks they are helping by trying to keep me safe but in the grand scheme of life, doesn't serve me very well and can persuade me to act in a more inhibited way.

So as part of my own self care I recognise that thoughts are just thoughts - neutral and ebbing and flowing in life - all part of our humanness - so let's embrace what shows up for us and make the most of life's mysteries on our journey through life.

Have fun

Shirley xx

Back to school......and why you can handle anything!

As always the summer has been and gone in a flash!  Lots of lazy days, good times (some rough days too) & memories under our belts and all of a sudden we are in September.  And that means for many of us the return to school - and for some of us the start of a school journey for our children.  With September brings Autumn and so many changes too.



I won't lie, I've really been trying not to think about it too much.  No-one wants to wish away the lazy days and we've all settled nicely in to a new routine at home now, which is led by slowness.  It's been nice not feeling exhausted and frazzled by dinnertime!  But school is starting this week here so it's time to get my head in the right place and get myself used to it all again.

Our middle one starts next week too!  She's just a bit older than 4.5 and seems to be looking forward to it.  Again, I've been trying not to focus on it too much or make too big a deal of it; I'm well aware that our vibes rub off on them and now that we've made the choice to send our children to school she needs positivity and excitement about it from me.  This time is very different because I already have one there and she's very familiar with the whole process of going to school.  I have no idea what to expect or whether she's going to settle well but there's a difference in me this time; I know that whatever happens I can handle it.

And this is something I want to teach my children: resilience.

I wasn't so clued up the first time for the emotions you feel as a parent.  My heart wasn't in traditional schooling so I needed a lot of convincing.  I was dreading sending him and even put off getting uniform until the very last minute.  I had wanted to home educate but it wasn't our path and so I took a chance with the school I picked and thankfully things have worked out.  But I found those first couple of weeks so incredibly hard, wondering how he was coping and being only just 4 years old he felt so little.

He struggled with settling in to school and couldn't cope with being separated from me.  I had never left him crying at preschool and didn't want to start at school.  There was even a morning that I couldn't leave him so took him home against the teacher's advice. I was lucky that I could work with his teacher and we managed to get him in to a good routine and in no time he was absolutely fine and enjoying school.  It was such a relief! And by about 2 weeks in it got easier for me to come to terms with the fact he was now at school.  I tried to focus on some positives:

• We had time in the morning together
• The school day is relatively short and passes quickly when you are busy
• We had time after school together and I would try to get anything I needed to done in the daytime
• School didn't have to be forever; if it didn't work out there were other options

It got easier.

But the following year wasn't so easy.  Our 3rd child was born the first week back at school and I don't think it helped him settling back in very much.  The negotiations didn't work this time and he just didn't want to go in at all.  Nothing was wrong at school; I just wasn't there.  Which was heart breaking.  My head was still asking 'Should we home school him if he's this unhappy?'  After many traumatic mornings it got to the point where I had to ask the school for help.  We worked out a way to get him in (his teaching assistant would come and meet him every morning) and within a day or 2 things were back to 'normal'.

Some kids need some extra support.

You know your child the best.  Which also means you know what they need.  It felt like mine was the only one struggling to go in which may have been true or may not.  But it was the story I invented in my head and it didn't much help to be honest!  With that came feelings of guilt and questions over my parenting and asking myself what had I done wrong?  I can look back now and say he's an anxious child and it was no surprise he was going to take a little longer to settle in to somewhere strange and trust people that weren't me.  And I can also say that he didn't want to separate not because of the bad job I'd done but because of the secure relationship I had created for us.



Don't be afraid to ask for help if you or your child struggles.  It's nothing to be ashamed of and you don't need to deal with it all on your own like I tried to.  The school is there to support you as a parent and your needs as well.  You are important too!  It's completely normal to be sad or scared that your child is off to school.  It feels like a huge leap that they are too little to take.  Surely they were only just born? My best advice is to take one day at a time.  Try not to presume what is going to happen or overthink it.  Know that whatever happens you can deal with it.  Building on that strength and confidence from within will help throughout your life and resilience is a great skill to pass on to your child too.  More on that in another blog post ;-)

Gemma x

Learning to live with imperfections

Life is such a crazy, imperfect ride! And so it should be! I notice more and more how 'in the moment' our kids live. They're present and they don't care much if there's dust or the floor hasn't been swept. Their priorities are focused exactly on what they love doing. As adults we've more responsibilities and I guess it's not quite as black and white as they make it! After all, I need to somehow fit in caring for them, myself & home jobs too. I love that they are so present and carefree though. It inspires me!

Living less perfectly is something I try to embrace. But I'll be honest, it doesn't come naturally to me! I love things tidy...a place for everything and everything in its place - but we also have children who are whirlwinds! I love all the images I see on social media... you know, the perfectly styled homes, not a toy in sight. But although these photos are beautifully inspiring, how authentic are they? Surely everyone's home gets like mine, where you just cannot keep on top of it? (I'm not even going to ask, I know they must!)

I have spent so much time trying to keep our home tidy because I just can't bear the mess! I fully believe that life is too short for tidying and I want to embrace this, BUT I also can't deny who I am and that I like to live in a kind of organised chaos, at least! And because I'm a work-at-home-Mum, I'm here a LOT. I live and breathe the goings on in our home.

One of the things I'm working on is lightening up about the whole mess thing. I don't want to spend our time here stressing, but at the same time I needed to put some things in place to make everything a bit easier. Some of the things that have helped are:

Having less. It's as simple as that. Chuck/recycle/rehome! I'm probably the opposite of a hoarder. Which can be a good and bad thing!

Investing in storage solutions. At least then the 'mess' that you can't do the above with has somewhere to go! 'A place for everything and everything in its place' :-)

Trying not to dump things. I read a good tip somewhere once about putting things away straight away rather than creating endless piles. It's really hard when you have a messy, creative mind! I'm working on it ;-)

I think the best tip is to remember you can't do everything at once. This is my downfall! Make clearing up achievable. And don't miss out on other, lovely things in life, just to achieve something that looks 'perfect'.

Find beauty in the perfectly imperfect things, all around you!

Gemma xx

'Comparison is the thief of joy'

I was having a bit of a moment last night...you know...39 weeks pregnant...hormonal...our eldest starting back at school today! 😢 I've been fairly organised but by the time last night arrived the uniform wasn't ironed (no names in either!)...no bag packed...I realised we hadn't actually done the home learning over the holiday even though I did mean to! I started to overthink everything......'I've let him down'; 'His shoes don't fit properly'; 'I'm always so unorganised compared to other Mums'. I was really taking so much responsibility for everything and being way too hard on myself. And then after a couple of little pep - talks it occurred to me......
                        
Don't you think there is so much pressure on Mums (parents) to be 'perfect'? The world wants us to rush around...be organised...feed our children the best stuff...get them to behave in a certain way...whilst managing to keep on top of everything!  I'm not one for following the norm most of the time but sometimes my confidence in myself falters slightly! I love this phrase I found recently;

'Comparison is the thief of joy' 💛 (Theodore Roosevelt)

And isn't that so true?! So today lovely people, hold your head up high and congratulate yourself on doing your best! Focus on everything you do achieve, be yourself & have confidence in who you are 😊👏

Gemma xx