The path to being seen and heard can be a long and winding road.

‘Children should be seen and not heard’….. As a child of the 1950s and 60s this view, although even then considered out dated, was still prevalent.  I certainly felt that in schools which, for me, were a fearful place to be in.   I certainly did not want to speak out and did my best to be as invisible as possible.  In that way I could protect myself and avoid trouble.

I would be the last to put up my hand in class to answer a question for fear of getting it wrong – teachers were quite aggressive and sarcastic in those days – adept at humiliation. Powerful strategies for silencing children.

There was a constant pressure to ‘be good’.  Monday to Friday in school and on Sunday there was Sunday school.  A huge amount of conditioning goes into a Christian upbringing – parental expectations were high and moral education handed over to religion. You definitely weren’t expected to express opinions, that would be frowned upon. There were many authority figures to challenge you.

The continual reinforcement of outdated attitudes and beliefs, going back generations.
Being quiet and good was expected for a girl. ‘Sugar and spice and all things nice’ – yes well, a lot to live up to. Not a lot was expected of girls in the 50s and early 60s.

The attitudes of not speaking up and being invisible do impact me still today.  I have spent the last couple of decades actively dealing with the fall out of these defensive practices and trying to push myself forward to speak up and be visible.   I have made significant inroads through countless personal and spiritual development courses and energetic healing practices but the programming is deep and sometimes persists.

The resistance that shows up from past conditioning is challenging but not impossible to overcome.
The fact that in my 40s I trained as a teacher and spent around 15 years teaching is testimony to that.
Although for most of those 15 years I felt a fraud.  I felt an imposter, I didn’t know enough, on paper my degree and teacher training showed me I was well qualified but I didn’t feel it and used every negative experience in the classroom to reinforce that attitude. It was only during my final year of teaching that I stopped comparing myself with everyone else and made peace with the fact that I had something useful to contribute to my students’ experience and that was good enough.

When I look at why I’ve continued to subdue my voice, and fear stepping forward and being known, there are several strands of thinking in the mix.

I’m afraid of getting it wrong.

As a child I did experience feeling silly, embarrassed, humiliated when at times I did get things wrong, particularly at school. Miscommunication or a child’s lack of understanding about a task – not tolerated so well years ago.  Thankfully (hopefully) today the education system is a little more tolerant. The same feelings will still show up as an adult – not all the time – but the fear hovers in the background.

If I get it wrong, the adult me knows it’s not the end of the world – but the inner child part of me fears feeling an idiot, fears rejection, fears she won’t be liked.  For her it is the end of the world and will she be brave enough to take the risk and speak up?   Speaking up means she’ll be noticed. She’ll become visible.

If I get something wrong, I’ll lose credibility and respect.  That was a big one for me as a teacher and it took a good few years for me to relax in the classroom enough to know that ‘not knowing’ was a great opportunity for whole class research to find the answer.  I taught psychology – how ABSURD to expect myself to know EVERYTHING about psychology?!

Letting the world know what I think means I’ll be judged and potentially criticised.  I might annoy or anger someone who may not be afraid of speaking out so it feels like an unsafe space to put myself in, so best stay quiet.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even me.  We all see the world through our own perceptions and experiences – why would be all think the same?

Learning to trust myself to be able to deal with the fallout and to feel confident to stand my ground if necessary – is an ongoing lesson.

As a child I learned to wait for others to speak first so I could judge what a right opinion or attitude might be.  I may not have been in alignment with their opinion but I could choose to agree so I didn’t stand out or I could simply say nothing.

My assumption was that others knew better.   Something I fall back into all too easily.
Perhaps it is not surprising I learned to be a listener instead of a speaker.

I am getting there, however, I am gradually releasing those invisible chains and am determined to open up to a bolder voice.   This comes from a deep place of knowing.   An authentic space of openness and vulnerability, of love and connection to express what is in my heart and to truly serve the best way I can.  For this to happen, I need to be visible.  People need to know where to find me – I cannot stay hidden in the shadows without a voice.

‘Children should be seen and not heard’…..it seems I neither wanted to be seen nor heard!  But we are not victims of our childhood, we can use our memories to inspire us to move forward. The journey home has been a long, winding road but, finally, I now have the key to the door.

Shirley x

It's never too late to follow your dream

You’re never too old to start following your dream………

You’ve heard this many times I bet.
Do you believe it?
Really?
I do.

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s too late to change direction or that dreaming is just for kids. That’s simply not true.

My 30s were challenging. I didn’t have the head space to even think about dreaming of anything.  Except wishing we were a ‘normal’ family.  My 30s were full of raising my 2 beautiful children, one of whom was autistic and epileptic.  I learned so much about me and them although there was not a lot of time for dreaming but simply getting through each day to the best of my ability.  I started to become interested in creativity and journaling and that, I found, a helpful form of expression to manage the extent of the challenges our family as a whole were experiencing.

A catalytic event, the unexpected death of my autistic son not long after my 40^th birthday propelled my life on a quite unexpected path but which has ultimately had a positively transformative effect. I started to walk the personal and spiritual development path.   I studied psychology, I trained as a teacher, I learned how to meditate, to develop my intuition, I trained as an energy healer, I pursued my creative interests and began to dream of a time I might be able to serve others as a healing practitioner, as an artist, sharing my understanding and helping those starting on a similar path.   I didn’t see a clear picture of how this could manifest but I knew the future was calling to me.  I started to wake up.  I could see the world differently from how I had seen it before.    In my 40s I started to dream rather than just surviving on a day to day basis.   The old cliché ‘Life begins at 40’ appeared to be on to something.  I was still experiencing grief from losing my son but because I felt spiritually closer to him than ever before, with the continued exploration and development work I chose to do, I could continue to dream and could see a positive future helping others, not just myself.

In my 50s, initially my teaching career flourished and then I gradually became disillusioned with the red tape attached to the job, and I began to lose the sense of joy and fulfilment I had with this work.  Another catalytic event, the simultaneous deaths (unconnected reasons) of both of my parents propelled me further along the personal and spiritual development path,  at some speed.   I also separated from my husband after 30+ years together and set about following another dream – leaving my full time, well paid, teaching work (which I had allowed to take over my life – I now know to bury the grief) and creating a working life where I could see the value of multiple streams of income, allowing me to serve others using my interests and passions and thus live a more peaceful and meaningful life.

So I undertook further training in different healing modalities, made lots of new connections and set up my energy healing practice.  Many workshops and courses in self awareness and self development and using energy for healing changed how I saw myself and enhanced my whole outlook on life.  I began to realise I wanted others to feel and see that too as it was so life enhancing.  I still had work as a part time psychology lecturer and of course Gemma and I created The Seashack over 4 years ago now.  So you can see  I developed three separate but actually quite interconnected strands of income.  I loved to teach, I loved to paint and create and I loved to help people learn to open up through energy healing and to shed lots of the baggage they were carrying so they could remove any barrier to their own dreams.

In my 50s I continued to follow my dreams – as they were then – realising that as we grow and evolve, so do our dreams, so I remained open and flexible to what inspired me and showed up in my life.  All the while, learning more about me, my place in the world, and staying as true to myself as I could.

I’ve now reached my 60s – and the dreams have not diminished – if anything they have grown!
The Seashack grows from strength to strength as Gemma and I are growing and evolving. We continue to dream, collectively,  and luckily have similar aspirations and are on the same wavelength!
I still teach psychology and am evolving my energy practice all the time as my knowledge grows.   Strands are pulling together as I undertake more personal learning, enhancing my knowledge and understanding of energy and how our psychology works.

Over the last 7 years another, quite unexpected, passion has emerged.  To blend creativity and travel to my most favourite place on the planet   I am besotted with the Hebridean islands.  They are a wild and restless landscape,  a beautiful, magical, mystical and largely empty space that I am drawn back to time and time again.  The thrill of exploring uninhabited islands, seeing whales, dolphins and basking sharks, paddling in stunning turquoise sea so unbelievably clear (and freezing!), and exploring empty,  white shell sand beaches.  Magical wildlife – like seeing the puffins coming out of their burrows, the otters in amongst the seaweed and the great golden and sea eagles majestically soaring.   Ok so there is another blog in itself here it seems (!).





 I digress.

Here’s the thing. I now have a dream to travel the Hebrides, beachcombing and paints in hand to capture the essence of the landscape, that others may be able to experience how I feel about them.    I have another dream (shared with Gemma I might add) to have an actual live Seashack space (rather than virtual space) where we can both work, play and authentically experience the message we are trying to share with people.  I also dream of living right next to the sea - maybe even on a boat (!).
To me, dreams are important. They lend themselves to purpose and meaning in our lives.  They may not always be fulfilled – maybe the universe has something even better in mind, so my dreams are always couched by a proviso – ‘this or something better’ – there are greater forces at work than I can ever hope to understand.   I know, if I listen to what’s in my heart and follow the threads I am inspired to follow, everything will work out for the best interests of everyone.

In the words of Henry David Thoreau:

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

So, whatever your age, dream well, dream big and take action.  It’s never too late.

Shirley x

Talking yourself out of it!

I read recently that our brains have something like a 5 second pause when we think of something good we'd like to do, before we try to talk ourselves out of it!  That would make a lot of sense to me because I can definitely relate to feeling really excited about an idea and then suddenly thinking of a hundred doubts around it.  You can find out more here on Mel Robbins' Facebook page.

How many of us are sitting and waiting for the 'right' time to do something we would love to do?  I make enough excuses about my busy day.  And it IS busy...often there isn't much give or take to be able to look after me.  Mostly because I take on a lot of things. I'm interested in everything and I like to get involved in as much as I can, even when I should probably often be saying no.  It's all about balance; sometimes the things you love that keep you busy are also a way of reconnecting with yourself and can have so much value too.

However busy you are, take a moment to consider what it is that you need to do to give yourself this balance and how and why are you putting this off?  One of my favourite phrases is 'Start where you are'.



It can feel scary but sometimes this is the very best thing you can do!  If you read Mum's blog post from last week you'll know we're both all too familiar with fear and doubt.  But for me, most of the time I'm putting things off is about perfectionist thinking (& there's also an element of focus and organisation!).  When you just get on and start something - even if it's not exactly perfect as you'd want it - it's liberating and you'll feel so proud of yourself.  This goes for anything in your life too - the washing, that phone call, thinking about that gift for someone.  And this (over)thinking takes up so much brain power!  What are you putting off?  What do you need to be brave with today?

Gemma xx

Finding balance in your day and why you matter too!

I've had so many points along my parenting journey where I've thought that I just can't take it any more!  Sounds dramatic doesn't it?  Days where I've felt lonely and frustrated or like I'm everyone's skivvy in this house!  Times where in that moment I felt completely physically and mentally drained and can't remember who I am other than 'Mum' and 'Wife'.  I refer to Motherhood because that's been my path but you can liken this to any situation where you are giving your absolute all and forgetting about the importance of YOU somewhere in the middle of it all.



Our business - The Seashack - started as a result of me having my first child and Mum coming away from her stressful teaching job.  We both wanted to work around our other interests and commitments and wanted to take back that balance.  And I realised that it was important I had something for ME.

     

I love being at home to look after the children and I feel lucky that I can fit our work around this.  When you put everything in to perspective my experience of becoming a Mum really is amazing. I used to feel guilty on tough days, that I wasn't appreciating or enjoying the chance to be at home with the kids when many parents would love to be. I saw myself as ungrateful and tried to stop feeling that way. But I've learnt over time that no situation is ever ideal.  Any struggle is a real struggle and shouldn't be compared to what's going on in other people's lives.  And I don't think any of us women need yet another thing to be feeling guilty about! There's absolutely nothing wrong with finding the situation you're in, hard work.

On a challenging day - and sometimes in general - finding that balance and putting yourself first at all can be impossible.  We lead busy lives and we feel restricted and tied to things sometimes that we'd rather not be doing.  But I believe in all our days there are small ways we can make time to remember ourselves and look after who we are. Here's my best tips:

• Make sure that you eat and drink.  It's something - particularly drinking enough water - that is so easy to do yet makes such a big difference.  Yet somehow I'm always too busy answering someone's requests or focusing my time on something else or 'just finishing' something first.  I find that my mood drops hugely when I'm not eating regularly and because kids shout the loudest, they always get to eat first!  I'm putting in to practice some meal planning here while I'll share on another blog.  I believe being organised and spending time preparing food in advance is probably the way to go.  Take some time today to look at where you could make any changes; are you eating regularly enough?  Do you need to prepare healthy things to snack on-the-go?  Could you batch make some meals to freeze such as soup or any of your favourites?
• Focus on the positives.  Try to notice the moments that are actually yours.  Ok they may appear mundane - such as driving or unloading the dishwasher.  But your arms are free and you are free to take a deep breath or think.  Sometimes it's not always about finding an hour to sip a tea and read a magazine (although that is definitely one to fit in!), but it's about looking for the other times of the day where you weren't feeling completely overwhelmed by other stuff/people.
• Be realistic to avoid frustrations.  For example I'm sitting here now trying to write this while the kids play but it is unrealistic (knowing my children) for me to think I'll be able to write it all while they just do their own thing.  By presuming that, when they interrupt me or it's clear I can't carry on, I'll then feel resentful of the fact I've not managed to have 'any time for me'.  But by expecting that I'll only be able to do a little bit, when they interrupt me (which they are just about to - I can hear tears), I can feel grateful that I've got as far as I have in the time I've got.  The mindset is completely different and actually something to apply in many other areas of life too.
• Finish that tea!  We've all been there...you've made yourself a tea and then you've been distracted or pulled away from a situation by someone else.  Depending on what is happening obviously you may have to walk away from your tea and attend to it.  But this is where boundaries come in and saying 'no'.  It's very easy to get distracted and move on to the next thing and forget that the tea you made represented a break for you or a moment of self care.  If you can, put that moment first and continue with the next thing after you've finished this first one!
• Give yourself space.  And if you have children give them the opportunity to have space too.  Having time to breathe - and even to be bored (ha - I wish!) - is really important.  Cramming stuff in, back to back, gives little time to think about your needs.
• Learn to say no - this also connects with much of the above.  It's not selfish to make the decision that you aren't going to do something.  Sometimes it's for the 'greater good' (i.e. you can see a disaster happening if whatever this is goes ahead!) and sometimes it's just because it isn't good for YOU.  By respecting your own needs you also show others how to respect you too.
• Grounding. This one might appear a bit 'woo' to some of you but I hope not.  A personal favourite for me is to, in those moments of overwhelm and 'there is no time for me', keep myself grounded.  Mum taught me years ago how to ground myself.  I know I need grounding when my head is all over the place, I'm starting to feel like I'm panicking or overwhelmed and almost a bit floaty.  It's hard to describe it but I imagine I'm a tree and I've got roots running through my feet in to the ground.  It really does work and brings me back 'down', and to a position where I can then deal with everything again.

I hope some of these ideas might help you as well as me!

Gemma xx

Celebrating the small wins 🙌

The title of this blog came to me while I was peeling carrots! This so often happens to me with ideas...it's always the most inappropriate time when I guess my mind is relaxed and open to receiving this stuff. On this occasion I didn't dither; I leapt up and grabbed my phone and recorded the lot! 

So back to the small wins...

It's quite challenging, even more so at this time of year I think, to remember to focus on the things you have achieved/are going well. I often get bogged down each day with things here & before I know it I'm concentrating on lack; the things that aren't going right; the time I don't have; the mundane tasks that are getting in the way. 

When this happens, what about if we stop and turn each of those things around? What about if we acknowledged those thoughts (because all feelings are valid and important) & said okay, I can keep focusing on things that aren't making me feel good or I could look at them differently and perhaps I'll feel less frustrated? I can focus on the small wins. Of which there will be so many more than you think!

I can guarantee you that you're regularly far too hard on yourself. Right? I know I am. And that actually, by looking at things from a different viewpoint, well, your perspective on them might just change. Celebrating the small wins is about focusing on any little thing you can, to pick you up and move you forward.

What little achievements can you celebrate in your life today? Here's a few of mine:

- I managed to get the children fed and everyone was happy with their dinner! (Shock horror!)

- I tidied our Utility Room which makes me feel so much happier when I walk in there now.

- Middle and youngest child are back asleep after waking several times (ok, I'm in the middle of them,  but they are  a s l e e p!)

They aren't life - changing events, but they are positive things that made an impact or difference to my day. We all deserve a little celebration in our lives :-)

Gemma xx

A balancing act!

Family Vs work Vs me-time Vs house-stuff!  I'm certain I'm not the only person playing this scenario round in their head?!  I find it pretty hard to actually get everything clear enough to be able to get productive!  I know Mum struggles too because she has so many interests - and another business! I truly believe there is a way for everyone to find balance in their lives.  It's about getting focused and setting your priorities.  And most importantly, not forgetting yourself somewhere in there!  Which oh so often happens, doesn't it?

Work vs kids vs the laundry!

Don't forget YOU! 

I play out a lot in my head 'I'll do this for me WHEN I've done X' or 'I'll definitely do X tomorrow'. Does it happen?  Hmm......not often!  In fact it's not that I'm not meaning to but I actually forget! That's how low a priority I am, when I'm remembering I have to put washing on over spending some time to read a chapter in a book and enjoy myself!  

But yesterday for the first time in forever, I switched my phone off and I sat downstairs while the kids played and I read a chapter or 2 of my book!  I've read it before but I like to keep hold of my spiritual/self-help books to re-open when I'm needing some inspiration or in fact a kick up the bum!

'The Secret: the power' by Rhonda Byrne

I felt so alive after I'd read just a little bit & excited for so many of the plans in my head!  You'd be surprised how quickly you can change your mood :-)  

Focus on what you CAN do

We can spend all too long feeling down about all the things we can't do or aren't achieving.  But what about small changes we can make to boost us and provide a little more balance?  For me, I often feel I'm not scheduling enough time to enjoy the kids while they're so little.  It's the single most important thing to me - keeping that connection with them.  And I know it's not all about doing 'special' things together and arranging activities.  I'm sure we've all been there with the Pinterest FAIL!  (I think my favourite one was the jelly in the straws that is supposed to come out like worms but actually got completely stuck!) But just spending time together - even 10 minutes playing dinosaurs and spending time in their world makes all the difference.  We did this today and I had such a lovely time noticing little things that I never usually slow down enough to notice.

Our 3 at 5.5yrs, 5.5 months & 3yrs

In the next few weeks there's going to be a lot of decision-making for Mum and I as we look at how our business is evolving.  I'm hoping it'll all fit nicely with family life, Mum's other business and of course time for both of us!

Gemma xx

Over over-thinking :-)

Today I've got to lunchtime and I'm feeling a bit bleugh. And the sole reason I'm feeling like this is because of me! Yes, I take full responsibility for this. I'm feeling annoyed at myself because I'm a serial overthinker! Funnily enough I don't tend to worry about what others think but spend far too much time planning things and I guess trying to make things perfect. Always getting ahead. As you can imagine I'm a nightmare at this time of year - there's always plenty to plan for Christmas with a family of 5!

When I look at myself I have this 1 side where I fully believe in the law of attraction; that the things we think about are the things we attract. And then another side that just wants to be proactive and try to sort everything out when things aren't going to plan. The second kind of contradicts the first ;-) I am focusing on what isn't happening rather than what I'd like to! You're seeing how my thought processes go, right?! :-D

So on days like today I need to stop what I'm doing, re - focus and be gentle with myself. I can either get annoyed or I can get back to where I want to be - feeling the best I can. What helps me is opening one of my books - something that will uplift me and remind me that everything is ok. When I was younger I used to wallow in my negative thoughts but as I got older I learnt I could help myself to feel better. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy, it has to come from within us and our thoughts. As much as I love cake and shopping they really are only quick fixes!

So today I've opened The Secret: Daily teachings by Rhonda Byrne. 

The page that opened says:

"Today is the best day of your life."

Yes! Talk about appropriate. How uplifting is this? It totally gives you the power to choose how your day goes. I don't want to feel bad; I want to feel great! So it's up to me to change those thoughts and to look at situations in a different light.

Let's do this!

Gemma xx

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